Stop The Spread

Have you ever tried to break a habit?

Or engrain something new so deeply that it becomes automatic — behavior memory instead of something you have to think about?

I have.

So many times.

For the last six years, one of the habits I’ve tried to change is my morning routine.

Waking up.

Coffee in bed.

Mindless screen time before I start my day.

For a while I paid close attention to the 4 a.m. club and the morning routines people talked about as clear markers of success and discipline.

And I just couldn’t do it.

Something else I struggled with was the types of relationships I chose to invest in.

Toxic dynamics where I confused hurt and hope with love.

I knew I wanted different.

I knew I deserved better.

But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to stop my own behavior and maintain the change over time.

I’ve seen this with so many different people too.

What I know is this:

Human behavior is hard to change.

Especially when it is deeply ingrained and the patterns show up again and again across time.

For years I had been practicing sittting with myself without jumping to distraction to fill a void.

So when my last relationship detonated into a web of lies, manipulation, and abuse, I knew what I had to do.

I had to face my own behavior of staying in toxic, painful relationships and calling it love.

And make sure I did the work to move through all the feelings and unfinished business before moving on to someone else.

I was deeply committed to stopping the spread.

Because I knew I wanted a healthy, reciprocal relationship with a healthy person.

And in order for me to have that, I had to be it.

So I did the work to stop the spread.

It has been isolating.

Lonely.

And transformative in the best possible ways.

By not jumping into the next person,

I faced my own shadows,patterns of behavior,

my shame,

and did the work I needed to do.

Over the last four months, something has shifted.

I’ve been carefully reopening the door.

Making new connections.

Building relationships.

Allowing new people into my world.

I’m paying attention to myself along the way —

my intuition,

my discernment,

my capacity.

And I can feel something important returning.

My willingness to invest my heart, mind, body, and soul in another person.

But this time, it will be with a healthy person.

Because the kind of love I’m building my life around now requires two healthy people choosing each other.

I no longer confuse toxic dynamics with love.

I’m incredibly thankful I did the work that changed my behavior.