Moosegate

Is it real or is it fake? What do you think?

A few days ago, Jack and I left our hotel in Jackson at 6 a.m. because we had a nearly ten-hour drive to Colorado Springs ahead of us.

But there was another reason for the painfully early departure.

The interwebs had told us that our chances of seeing wildlife were better around sunrise, including moose, and Jack really wanted to see a moose.

So off we went.

Not too far outside of Jackson, WE SAW A MOOSE.

A giant bull moose standing in a field just off the highway.

Jack and I were very excited.

Except…

It wasn’t moving.

So naturally, we turned down a side road to investigate.

We pulled over. We stared at it.

For a while.

It did not move.

We went back and forth.

“It has to be real.”

“But it’s not moving.”

“Look at those antlers.”

“WHY ISN’T IT MOVING?”

Eventually, after what I feel was a perfectly reasonable roadside wildlife investigation, we concluded that it was fake and drove away.

A few days later, I showed the picture to my sister.

“That is absolutely a real moose.”

Well, shit.

So I consulted an obvious expert on the subject of moose standing on the side of Wyoming highways.

Definitely real, I was told.

The antlers were biologically correct for August. The body and coat looked natural. The ears were positioned independently. The stance and weight distribution were right. Moose can stand incredibly still. And who the hell would put a giant taxidermied moose outside in a field to get rained on?

The evidence was overwhelming.

I texted Jack.

THE MOOSE WAS REAL.

We had gotten up at 6 a.m. partly to increase our chances of seeing a moose, actually found an enormous bull moose, pulled over to get a better look at it, stared directly at it for an unreasonable amount of time, and then drove away because we decided it was lawn decor.

This was hysterical.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

And then, because apparently I cannot leave well enough alone, I decided to investigate one more time.

I remembered that my phone might have saved the location where I took the picture.

It had.

The photo was taken at the intersection of Highway 191 and Bryan Flat Road.

So I searched that exact location.

Friends, meet Grumpy Moose.

A locally famous, extremely realistic, life-sized ferrocement moose that has been standing beside that highway for decades.

IT WAS FAKE.

Jack and I had pulled off the highway, driven closer, parked the car, stared at a cement moose for an unreasonable amount of time, debated whether the cement moose was a real moose, correctly determined that the cement moose was not a real moose, and left.

Then, several days later, a collection of otherwise intelligent adults managed to convince ourselves that Jack and I had actually encountered a magnificent bull moose.

Only for my phone to eventually confirm our original roadside conclusion:

Nope. Cement.

I would like to formally apologize to Jack for ever doubting our wildlife identification skills.

Apparently, “It hasn’t moved at all” was the most scientifically relevant observation anyone made during this entire investigation.

And despite leaving Jackson at 6 a.m. specifically to improve our odds, Jack still has not seen a moose.

He had also really wanted to see an elk or deer buck with one of those enormous racks we kept seeing in pictures.

We didn’t see one of those either.

At least not while Jack was with me.

But this story gets one final ridiculous twist:

While I was walking back up to the parking lot at Garden of the Gods today, actively looking at my phone to figure out exactly where the Grumpy Moose photograph had been taken, I looked over at the hillside next to the path.

There were three bucks with giant racks just hanging out a few feet away, casually enjoying an afternoon snack.

Of course there were.

We drove hundreds and hundreds of miles through Yellowstone, Grand Teton National Park and Wyoming. We got up before sunrise. We searched fields. We scanned hillsides. We deliberately planned our driving around the optimal time to see wildlife.

Jack got a cement moose.

I went for a walk in Colorado Springs and got three giant bucks.

I texted Jack and told him.

He never texted back...

Just me posing with a couple of buck butts.