I Don't Need To Know

I saw a government meeting agenda last week.

A work session on a proposed Code of Conduct, Professional Ethics and Expectations.

And an executive session regarding a personnel matter that, according to the agenda, could damage the reputation and character of the person involved.

Both caught my attention.

The executive session especially made me curious.

And, if I’m being completely truthful, it made me anxious.

For a moment, I worried that people might think I had something to do with whatever was happening. That maybe I had talked to someone. Encouraged questions. Pushed something forward behind the scenes.

I haven’t.

But I have written publicly about the proposed policy. I’ve written about disproportionate influence, power, ethics and character. And, much more personally, I’ve written extensively on my blog about my own experience with a specific person.

So when I saw that agenda, my brain immediately started connecting dots.

Not because I knew there were dots to connect.

I didn’t.

But because I knew other people might connect them anyway.

It stressed me out a little.

So, I talked to my sister about it,

And then I had better things to do.

So I did them.

The meeting happened last night.

I didn’t watch it.

I don’t know what was said during the work session. I don’t know what happened in executive session. I don’t know what conclusions anyone reached or what happens next.

And something about that feels remarkably good.

Because I realized I don’t need to know.

I’ve said what I wanted to say about the proposed policy. I’ve written about disproportionate influence and why character, ethics, power and access matter in public institutions.

And I’ve told my own story.

That part matters most.

I have written about what happened to me, what I experienced, what I learned from it and where I am going now.

I didn’t tell that story so someone else could eventually hand me a verdict.

What happens from here belongs to other people.

I don’t need to disrupt my own peace to find out what happened simply because it might brush against a painful chapter of my life.

I don’t need an institution to give me closure.

I don’t need to know whether anyone else finally sees what I saw.

And I don’t need whatever happened behind those closed doors to make what happened to me more or less true.

I’ve made my own closure.

My life is very big right now. It is changing in ways that deserve my attention. There are people I love, places I want to go, things I want to build, and questions about my own future that are far more interesting than questions about someone else’s.

So the meeting happened.

And I didn’t watch.

Not because I don’t care about ethics or accountability or the institutions that serve our communities.

I care deeply.

I just finally understand that caring about something doesn’t require me to keep standing close enough to it to get hurt.

Some things can continue without me.

And I can continue without knowing.