Evidence The War Is Won

I am working on my first big crochet project—

a blanket that is far beyond my level of experience.

I am thirteen rows in, and I’m in love.

With the process.

The color changes.

The different stitches.

This one will take me a long time, and that’s okay.

I might be telling a different story once I get into the body of the blanket and have to do hundreds of double crochets.

But I won’t worry about that until I get there.

Right now, I’m just enjoying the process.

And it’s fulfilling in a very different way than the life I’ve lived before.

So much of the work I’ve done to process what happened to me was about creating safety inside of myself —

finding my way home to me.

Part of that required significant excavation work.

Breaking open the vault of childhood wiring.

Generational trauma.

Beliefs and behaviors that hurt me more than they ever helped.

Sitting in those places—

dark, damp, dangerous.

And slowly building a new operating system for myself.

One that isn’t fueled by anxiety.

Or the need to be chosen.

Or the fear of isolation and being alone.

Where insecurity, comparison, and the need to fix everything don’t run the show.

Where the smallness I carried my entire life is finally proven wrong.

It wasn’t just sitting with those things.

It was going through one of the most difficult sets of circumstances for my internal self, and choosing, repeatedly, who I would be on the other side.

Giving myself the grace and the rest I needed while I climbed my own Mt. Everest.

Reaching the summit transformed.

Ready for what comes next.

With fundamental beliefs rooted in abundance, joy, peace, freedom, and the beauty life still has to give.

Doing that work created the version of me who can sit and crochet peacefully.

Which may seem small at first take.

But it reflects a woman who doesn’t need constant stimulation, acceptance, understanding, or presence.

A woman whose nervous system is regulated,

and whose old trauma pathways no longer operate.

It is evidence that the war inside me has been won.

If we went back one year ago,

that version of me would not believe the woman I’ve become could exist.

I am so thankful.