Between Rest and Responsibility

I booked this trip believing there would be a small window of calm between school board meetings. The budget would be passed, things would settle down for a moment, and I would get to step away long enough to take a girls-only road trip with my family, help my daughter move out of her college dorm, and breathe.

It turns out that’s not what happened. And that’s okay.

I’m disappointed. A little defeated. Frustrated and angry that despite all the work we’ve done to try to move things in a better direction, we somehow ended up in a place that is even harder than before.

It’s difficult not to internalize that. Difficult not to place the blame squarely on my own shoulders. While I know I was only one player in a much larger situation, I still feel the weight of responsibility.

Today I sat in the sunshine next to pools literally named “Wellness” and “Relaxation” while sending emails, gathering information, navigating conflict, and responding to hostility. Half listening to my daughter talking beside me while the other half of my brain tried to think three steps ahead.

I felt thankful to be here. Thankful for the opportunity to do meaningful work. Thankful for this time with people I love.

And at the exact same time, I felt guilty that I couldn’t be fully present with the people who matter most and who I don’t get to spend nearly enough time with.

Thankful and torn all at once.

For everything.

I’m not complaining. Just acknowledging the strange emotional reality of trying to exist in two worlds at the same time. Of expecting rest and instead carrying responsibility with me across state lines.

Still, there has been beauty here too.

Highlights of the trip so far:

• Incredible landscapes

• Ancient petroglyphs

• Roadrunners, coyotes, elk, and deer

• More Breaking Bad memorabilia and filming locations than I knew existed (I’ve never even watched the show, but apparently Albuquerque is full of it)

• Hot springs

• A perfectly timed hot stone massage

• Long conversations, laughter, and quality time with people I love

• Grace and understanding from family as I split my attention between being present and handling difficult things from afar.

• A sunburn.

Tomorrow we drive a few hundred miles to Greeley to help Desiree move out of her dorm, and then continue on toward more adventures and places in Colorado I’ve never seen before.